


Heart to Heart

by magnusisfabulous



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Extended Scene, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus wants to talk because of Alec's suicide attempt, Missing Scene, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:17:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9875924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnusisfabulous/pseuds/magnusisfabulous
Summary: He lied. He wasn't fine, absolutely not. But Alec did not want Magnus to worry, to burden him with his thoughts. Alexander was born and raised a soldier, he had to be strong, had to be the leader. That's everything he ever was and everything he learned to be.





	

**Author's Note:**

> After Alexander's attempted suicide in the latest episode, I think he and Magnus need to talk. They really need to talk about Alec being suicidal. But I'm sure the show won't let them have a talk about this so I tried to put my thoughts and their needed conversation in this fic. I really really hope I handled it okay - if something about this is problematic, please let me know! I really tried to be respectful about this topic.

Alec couldn't believe his father was cheating on Maryse.  
Of course, he knew their marriage wasn't really a happy one – not anymore.  
But for Robert to cheat on his wife, the mother of his children?  
It was shocking, to say the least. 

With a sigh, the young Shadowhunter sat down on the edge of his bed after leaving Jace and Maryse to talk. They had lots to work off between them and Alec thought they needed some time to themselves. What a day. Alec was used to his feelings being like a roller coaster ride, but this day had been one of the most difficult after the day he... after what happened to Jocelyn. Just thinking about Jocelyn made his head spin again, the corner of his eyes prickle with unshed tears. Alec forced himself to not think about her, about the blood that stained his hands. Blood he still saw in nightmares, he could still feel on his skin when he jerked awake after dreaming of killing Jocelyn again and again and again. 

His cellphone announced a text message with a quiet jingle, ripping Alexander out of his thoughts. He grabbed his phone and a small smile appeared on his lips. It was Magnus. 

**From: Magnus, 11:21pm** : _My dear. I know it's late and I know maybe you're asleep already, but I miss you. How are you feeling?_

The fact that Magnus missed him even though they had just seen each other a few hours ago made Alec's heartbeat speed up and his smile grew a bit. Immediately, he started answering his boyfriend. 

**To: Magnus, 11:22 pm** : _Hey. I am still awake and I miss you, too. I'm fine. What about you?_

He lied. He wasn't fine, absolutely not. But Alec did not want Magnus to worry, to burden him with his thoughts. Alexander was born and raised a soldier, he had to be strong, had to be the leader. That's everything he ever was and everything he learned to be. 

**From: Magnus, 11:23 pm** : _To be exactly honest, I am not fine. I really need to see you right now, Alexander. If that's okay for you?_

Alec couldn't help but swallow hard at the words of his boyfriend. Of course, he was worried immediately and tried to ignore the nagging thought in the back of his head that maybe Magnus felt bad because of him.

 **To: Magnus, 11:25 pm** : _Of course it is, Magnus. I could come over to your place?_

 **From: Magnus, 11:25pm** : _No, I'll come over to the Institute_

 **To: Magnus, 11:26pm** : _Okay._

It took only a few seconds until Alec could hear the now familiar sound of Magnus creating a portal. It appeared right in the middle of Alexander's bedroom and the warlock stepped out of it. Alec rose from his bed and he couldn't help but think how tired and exhausted his boyfriend looked. His usually flawless makeup was a bit smudged, his hair wasn't perfect as always and his whole posture screamed of 'I need to rest'. Alec was shocked to see Magnus like this, but before he could say a single word, his boyfriend closed the small distance between them with two steps, hugging Alec. The warlock's arms grabbed him like he could disappear every second, and suddenly, Alec had a huge lump in his throat. 

“Hey,” Alec said, quietly. Magnus had buried his head in the crook of his boyfriend's neck, holding on tight. “Hey,” he answered. “I missed you.” 

Alec couldn't help but smile. “I missed you, too, Magnus.”  
It felt good to speak those words even after they've told each other already via text messages. Softly, Alexander caressed Magnus's back, holding him tightly in his arms. 

When they parted again, Alexander placed his hands on Magnus's shoulders, squeezing them softly. “Tell me what's bothering you,” he said. Magnus nodded, looking at Alec with eyes full of emotion. They seemed red-rimmed and Alec's stomach turned into a knot. 

It looked like Magnus had been crying. 

“I'm sorry, Alexander,” Magnus said, his voice strained. Alec frowned, not understanding why his boyfriend was apologizing to him. “What do you mean?”

“I am sorry. I didn't understand how much you are hurting. How much... everything has taken its toll on you.” 

At loss for words, Alec opened his mouth just to close it again. 

“You tried to kill yourself today, Alexander.” 

Magnus's trembling voice seemed to echo right through Alexander's very soul and mind, and suddenly, he couldn't breathe. It hurt. It hurt so much to hear Magnus say something like this. 

“I-it was because of the spell! It was only because of that spell!”

Alexander's voice wasn't as strong as he hoped it would be and Magnus's expression softened at his words. “No,” he answered. “That wasn't just because of that spell. I know this hurts – I know admitting this hurts – but please, Alexander... Don't lie to yourself.” 

His shoulders tensing and his breathing becoming even more erratic, Alec did not know what to say. Or to do. He felt a panic attack crawling up his whole body, his skin was tingling and he just wanted to disappear so he wouldn't have to face this conversation. He did not feel ready, he doubted he'd ever be ready for this topic. 

Fuck. 

“Alexander, Alexander, please, calm down!” 

Magnus's voice was to be heard, loud enough so Alec could hear him over his heavy breathing. Softly, Magnus placed his hands on the upper arms of his boyfriend, looking at him pleadingly. “Please, calm down, my darling. I don't want to pressure you! Please calm down.” 

With at slight nod, Alec tried to get ahold of his breathing, but his whole body was shaking and he just couldn't. “Sit down, please,” Magnus told him and it was like Alec was under water – everything seemed so blurry, far away. They sat down on the edge of his bed and suddenly, Alec was able to breathe again. He coughed and looked at Magnus, who had softly placed his hand on the younger man's chest. Blue sparks were flying from Magnus's fingertips and he seemed to help Alec to breath with his magic. 

“Thanks,” Alec breathed out, his chest rising and falling heavily with every breath he took, filling his lungs with much-needed air.  
“I am so sorry, Alexander,” Magnus said again, on the verge of tears. “I really don't want to pressure you into talking or causing you to have a panic attack. I really don't, it's horrible for me to see you like this. But...”  
Magnus's lower lip trembled slightly and Alec's heart broke. 

“Just thinking of losing you terrifies me, Alexander.”

And with those words, everything seemed to crash down on him. He couldn't stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks and he immediately clung to Magnus who wrapped his arms around Alexander to hold him. 

“I'm so sorry. So sorry,” Alec sobbed, burying his face on Magnus's shoulder. Not able to hide his feelings anymore, Alec just gave in to them. He never wanted anyone to see him like this, to know how he really felt for years, but Magnus always could easily tear down the walls Alec had built around his heart to protect not just himself but his loved ones. 

Soothing, Magnus caressed the back of his sobbing boyfriend's head. “Please don't apologize,” he whispered. “It's okay. I've got you, Alexander, and I won't let you go.” 

It took minutes for Alexander to calm down at least a bit. It seemed since he now allowed himself to cry, his tears wouldn't stop. It was like all those tears he had forbidden himself to shed for years now wanted to fall, and he couldn't do anything about it. He just clung to his boyfriend, shivering, sobbing, his emotions pouring out of him like never before in his life. 

When Alec finally was able to collect himself a bit, Magnus's shirt was wet because of his uncountable amount of tears. The young Shadowhunter didn't dare to look into his boyfriend's eyes, he was too embarrassed by his emotional outbreak, but when he took a little distance to Magnus he could feel him kiss his forehead softly. That caused a few more tears to fall and Alec curled his fingers into the fabric of Magnus's shirt. 

“Ever since I admitted to myself that I'm... that I'm gay, I...”

Alexander was searching for the right words to explain how he felt. To explain why he often felt bad, alone, suppressed. How he did not dare to talk to his family besides Isabelle because he knew he wouldn't be accepted the way he was. Magnus kept on holding him tight, not saying anything, just waiting for his boyfriend to talk. Alec was glad he gave him the time to think and didn't push him to speak. After taking another deep breath, he continued. 

“I tried to fight down the feelings I had. I was so afraid of anyone... finding out that I... that the feelings for my parabatai were more than they should be. Those wrong feelings made me feel that something was wrong with me, too. I felt so... alone.” Alec's voice trembled while he was talking and new tears found their way down his cheeks. “Day by day I asked myself, 'Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be like everyone else?' I really thought I... I'd be lonely, a failure and afraid all of my life and sometimes, I couldn't take it anymore.” 

When Alec felt Magnus's arms tighten around him, he raised his head to look into the eyes of his boyfriend. It was no surprise to him to see Magnus cried as well, still, it broke his heart again. 

“Sometimes I wished I'd die during a mission so I wouldn't have to take my life myself,” Alec continued speaking, causing a broken, despaired sound from Magnus's throat. “But then Isabelle smiled at me, Jace told me he wouldn't be whole without me, his parabatai, or Max asked me to help him learn some of his runes...” Again, Alec cried, his voice barely a whisper. “I just couldn't leave them alone, Magnus. I couldn't break their hearts and so I decided it was worth suffering as long as they were happy. As long as I could stay by their side, as long as I could protect them. And just months later... I met you.” 

On Magnus's lips, a sincere, but sad smile appeared. He caressed Alexander's back, not able to say something. 

“I was so fascinated by everything you did, everything you were. I wanted to get to know you, to be near you and soon I understood what this warm, tingly feeling that rose in my chest every time I saw you meant. The more it hurt to tell you that I wanted to marry Lydia. I never wanted to hurt you, but at that moment I wanted to keep the promise I made to myself. My happiness didn't matter as long as my family was in danger, as long as me sacrificing it would help them.” Alec sighed. “It was a mistake and finally, you showed me that I wasn't right. That marrying Lydia wasn't right. I understood I can still protect my siblings while I am happy. They are even happier when I am happy, too.” Alec laughed wetly, shaking his head. 

“I wanted to be happy so bad and it felt so good to spend time with you. I know I treated you badly sometimes, but still, I was so grateful for every second you were by my side. I still had my bad days, of course, but I never thought about killing myself, until...” 

Magnus raised a hand and placed it on Alexander's cheek, caressing it softly, soothingly and Alec leaned more into the touch of his lover. “Until Jocelyn died,” Magnus said, and his words weren't a question. Alec nodded. 

“I hate myself for killing her,” he sobbed again and Magnus shook his head immediately. “I hate myself so much for being a murderer. For taking Clary's mother away from her after she finally got her back,” Alec put into words. 

“Alexander. I can understand you feel bad about this. I understand you feel guilty and it hurts, but you are not a murderer. You never would've hurt Jocelyn, you never would've killed her. It was the demon that killed her and not you. No one is to blame but that demon – and, of course, Valentine. And I do not say that just to comfort you, Alexander. I say it because it is true and I am convinced about it. You are not a murderer.” 

Softly, Magnus pressed his lips against Alec's chin. “And you know what? There is nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing. You are one of the strongest persons I have ever met. You are so selfless, loyal and caring. You are so brave and you would do anything for your sibling. I met Alexander Lightwood as a man that stands to his mistakes and isn't afraid to face them.” Magnus smiled and his eyes were full of emotions that made Alec tear up again. “You are such a beautiful soul, Alexander, and you are so important to many people. Jace, Isabelle, Max, Clary, Maryse, Robert... they all want you to be happy, they all want you to be safe even though they might not show it at any time. And of course, I want you to be happy. No matter what, your happiness is most important to me, Alexander. And I will be at your side no matter what happens. I know that me saying this words can't make everything right and I know there will be days you will feel bad, and I want you to know you can always talk to me. I'd like to be that rock that you are for your family and I want to be your partner in good and in bad times. Especially in bad times.” 

Magnus's words left Alec speechless for a few moments and he couldn't believe that this amazing man was his partner. Magnus showed him his unconditional loyalty and affection and Alec just felt so... grateful, relieved and happy to call Magnus his boyfriend. He knew with Magnus's help he could overcome his depression, his anxiety and his fears. Magnus accepted him the way he was, no matter what, and that felt unbelievably good. Of course, Alexander always had his siblings by his side and Izzy always told him that he was okay the way he was, but he never dared to show her how awful he really felt. To speak about those things now, to be absolutely open about this still felt really unfamiliar, but relieving and good. Magnus understood and to Magnus, Alec was fine. 

“Thank you, Magnus,” Alec whispered. “I... I will try my best.”  
Magnus smiled at him, softly, the edges of his eyes wrinkling, causing Alec's heart to beat faster of affection.  
It wouldn't be easy to overcome his demons, but with Magnus at his side, Alec would be able to make it, he thought before hugging his boyfriend impossibly closer again.


End file.
